A lesson on self-talk

Rexy Learns Self-Confidence is a simple story, but conveys a very powerful message about self-talk and the way that the words you say to yourself directly impact the way you see yourself, which directly impacts the way you feel about yourself – for good or for bad.

This story may have been written for children, but it has an important message for both adults and kids alike.

Let’s set the foundation of what self-talk is:

Self-talk refers to the little voice inside of your head that speaks to you all day long. This can also be the words that you actually speak out loud about yourself.

The impact of self-talk

The things we think and say about ourselves each day directly impact our confidence, resilience, and well-being. This is especially true for children who are already prone to self-doubt.

As adults, if we haven’t successfully learned how to self-talk positively, we often have ingrained years of experience where speaking negatively to ourselves is our natural state of being. And when these things are repeated often enough, the speaker will begin to believe them, just like Rexy did.

Let me give a simple example from my own childhood – and one that I think is pretty common.

I was a kid that got frequently teased, even bullied at times, throughout grade school. The things I was interested in were different from what a lot of other girls enjoyed (Barbies, playing house, and typically girly stuff.) As a major tom bo, I loved things like Pokémon, video games, and rough housing- although admittedly I did own a few Barbies (even if they were primarily used as the villains during my toy play).

I was never part of the “cool” crowd as a kid, which today I’m thankful for the lessons it taught me, but back in the day it hurt. I was called all the normal kid-teasing names like “loser”, “uncool”, “weird”, had my clothes made fun of, all the usual stuff that’s part of being a kid.

However, at some point along the way, I started saying these things to myself as well. “I’m not cool, I don’t fit in, I’m weird, my clothes don’t look good…” this became ingrained into me as a part of my self-identity that resulted in developing a significant lapse of self-confidence. I would go into social situations with the mindset of “I don’t fit in”, “my clothes probably look dorky” and my actions would often back this up because it was what I truly believed about myself, despite it not being true. It affected me for years and I never showed up to my full potential because of all the negative thoughts I was filling my own head with.

I’m a completely happy adult today and am grateful for the lessons I gained growing up. That being said, if I had practiced positive self-talk as a child and set a strong foundation for what and who I believe I am, would that have allowed me to brush off comments and stick to what I know (and tell myself daily) to be true deep inside of me? I think so. At least to a degree. And that’s what this book and the Jolly Fox mission is all about.

It’s not what happens to you but how you interpret and think about what happens to you that matters.

Rexy and the egg interpreted their realities very differently and the words they spoke about themselves directly impacted this.

The good news – positive self-talk is a learnable skill! No matter what age you are. But it does require consistent effort and work (more on this later on with some simple, actionable steps for both adults and kids).

Now to be honest with yourself – what does your self-talk sound like?

Are you even aware of it? When you’re alone with your thoughts, what kinds of things do you say to yourself, repetitively, on a daily basis?

Often, if this is something we haven’t practiced before, the things we say to ourselves are things we would never say to a friend. There’s an explanation for this. Our brain is hard-wired to always look for the negative or danger in any situation – a skill that was quite useful back when humans lived in caves and we had to constantly be on the lookout for danger – but something that isn’t very applicable today when there is no longer a need to keep constant awareness of lions, saber-tooths, or whatever other monsters existed back in the day.

I believe we are all susceptible to this to a degree, some much more than others. In my own personal experience, I allowed this habit to overcome me and my brain would completely fill my head with negative thoughts and I’d find myself spiraling into a dark place. And once you’re there, it’s difficult to come out of that dark place without positive thinking to help pull you out.

Here are a few thought-provoking questions to begin gauging your self-talk…

What do you say to yourself when:

• You look in the mirror
• You attempt a task and fail
• You see someone accomplishing something significant
• You don’t get that promotion
• You and a loved one get into an argument
• You get off track your plan for working out / healthy eating

Positive self-talk

If your responses aren’t things you would say to a friend, they aren’t things you should tell yourself either. We are the one person we spend 24/7 with. Let’s ensure that time spent inside our own head feels like we’re spending time with a friend that cares about our well-being.

Positive self-talk is not the complete absence of noticing some of our lesser-favorable things, but it’s intentional effort towards placing your focus on all the positive things you have going on (and regardless of where you are in life, there are a LOT of things to stay thankful for.)

Now that you’ve identified what some of the common themes are in your self-talk, what is your self-talk teaching your children? If you don’t have children, then instead consider the type of energy you are bringing to the loved ones around you.

Our children, as malleable little beings, learn from what we do and mimic our behavior.

Let’s take a simple example here to demonstrate.

Let’s pretend you cook a new recipe for dinner and maybe you overdid a spice or overcooked it a bit. Nothing major and still fully edible, but you aren’t really pleased with the result. What do you say about it?

“I always mess up in the kitchen. I’m not a great cook and this didn’t come out at all like when I’ve seen others make it.”

You are visibly frustrated with yourself.

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• I always mess up = reinforcing a belief about your actions

• I’m not a great cook = reinforcing a belief about your identify

• When I’ve seen others make it = comparing to others

• You are visibly frustrated with yourself = frustration with yourself is an acceptable emotional outcome for something as simple as overcooking a meal slightly

“I overcooked it a bit, but that’s okay. It’s still got a good flavor and we can eat it. Next time I make it, I’ll do even better.”

Your emotional state remains the same.

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• Overcooked it a bit, but that’s okay = acknowledging area for improvement, but accepting it as okay

• It’s still got a good flavor and we can eat it = finding some positive in it

• Next time I make it, I’ll do even better = a small setback is just an opportunity for future improvement

• Your emotional state remains the same = a slight mishap in the kitchen doesn’t warrant being hard on yourself

Which of these scenarios would you want your children listening in on?

Remember, what they hear and see on a regular basis is part of the behavior they will begin to mimic and mindset they may begin to develop. Make sure the words you are speaking are words you’d want them speaking to themselves.

Learning to overcome a small setback with positive self-talk will help to overcome the larger setbacks that are an inevitable part of life.

Is your self-talk not quite where you want it to be?

That’s okay and awareness of that is the first step in learning to reframe your thoughts. It’s a journey – a very intentional and worthwhile one at that.

When you begin to change the way you feel internally, you begin to radiate so much more positivity that leaks out into every other area of your life.

We all know someone in our life that just radiates positivity. Picture this person. They are someone that you literally draw energy from and leave an interaction feeling better for it. I call them “radiators.” Or rays of sunshine. You can call them whatever you want.

Now the opposite is also true. There are people that are energy “suckers,” constantly focusing on negatives.

How does the self-talk of these two types of individuals differ? Become aware of the patterns and consider this as you go through your own journey.

What simple steps can you start taking? Here are 4 resources that have made a significant impact on my own life.

A highly entertaining read! I love Jen’s style of writing and You are a Badass is chock full of tips around identifying and changing self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors – many of which are rooted in self-talk.

Another one of my favorites. An atomic habit is a regular practice or routine that is small and easy to do, but is also the source of incredible power; a component of the system of compound growth. Changes that seem small and unimportant at first will compound into remarkable results if you’re willing to stick with them for years. This book is a great reminder that even when you don’t feel like you’re making much progress, the small changes you make on a daily basis do make a big difference down the road. So celebrate those small changes and keep being consistent because it’ll all pay off.

A quick & easy read that leans heavily on the spiritual side, but regardless of what your beliefs are, the core message remains impactful and 100% focused on the importance of the words we speak. This was one of the first books I read and used it as an initial guide starting out as I worked on shifting my own internal thoughts. The book focuses on “spoken” words, but I shifted my interpretation to include thoughts as well. It goes into how words can be used for “the enemy” – the concept of the devil that I don’t align with – but I do fully align with the message that words you say or think will either have good or bad impacts in your life. Interpret this read however you must! But I do highly recommend it.

These are fantastic, 12-20 minute episodes that are fully geared around building a positive mindset – for business or personal. This is one of my go-to podcasts when taking a walk or I need a break from work. It always boosts my mood when I’m feeling droopy.

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